id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
