i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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