I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
