I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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