she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
