Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
