at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Randomize
