I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
