does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I have fence marks all over my body
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
