2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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