What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
