i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Come back. Shots need mouths.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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