I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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