you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
