she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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