Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I will die if light touches me.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
