Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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