My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
