My Higher Power is John Stamos
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
