So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
