I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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