Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
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