when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
