Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
