bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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