He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize