my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
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