yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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