I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
