I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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