i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
