New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
