Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
