my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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