I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
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