Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
