Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
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