did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
