I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
