imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
