Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
