hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
