4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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