I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
