I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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