youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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