Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
She bit a glass in half.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize