I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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