I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
