i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
