I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
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