You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Randomize
