I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize