is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
