STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
