It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
