That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
