I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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