you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Never joke about your clitoris.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize