I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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