I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
