I faked an abortion last night.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Randomize
